I decided to share some of my poetry at a South Asian Open Mic Night. Although I signed up with some form of raw adrenaline, I was literally shaking when I read my two pieces out loud. I haven't been that vulnerable in front of an audience in a long time. The performances I've done in the last couple months have always been in a group context, where I've been able to hide my nerves behind other people. This was not the case here.
I started writing poetry a little over 6 months ago, as I started processing some feelings around a relationship that had ended. I started with Rupi Kaur's books and soon was flung into the world of modern poetry. Some of my friends came out of the woodwork, sharing and suggesting poetry that had influenced them over the years, which encouraged me to keep reading and eventually start writing.
We've been led to believe that both the color of our skin and gender are what define us. This is an ode to that.
I thought a lot of things as a South Asian female.
Accommodating, flexible, malleable
I thought I was an adaptive person, molding to the needs of those in power
Even clay creates beautiful forms but hardens when put it into the fire
Anxious, organized, perfectionist
I thought I collected worries that would be validated in times of need
Even piggy banks collect change to eventually be broken indeed
Committed, loyal, dutiful
I thought you would have stood up for me, so what if you didn’t have a platform
Even legislation moves slowly, but it’s still trying to change the norm
Fair, lovely, docile
I thought I didn't roar because I was abstaining from poking the bear
Even grasshoppers become locusts, when pushed to their utmost fear
Smart, competitive, masculine
I thought my parents overeducated me but they still wanted to pay someone for marriage
Even used muscle cars have a lifespan before they are put into a carriage
Thick, hairy, voluptuous
I thought bollywood gave me unrealistic expectations of love, life, and men
Even tooth fairies get some street cred now and then again
Exotic, pure, suitable
I thought I didn't have any stains, did exactly as I was told
Even porcelain loses its shimmer over time, just as everything gets old
I thought a lot of things as a South Asian female.
This piece is a combination of Hindi, Urdu, Persian, Punjabi, and Sindhi words. I'm not going to be giving definitions of each of the words but I think everyone will be able to get a pretty good understanding if you've ever been in love.
Untranslatable words in the cycle of love
Seedhi sadhiwas the word you used when you met me. Uncorrupted, naive, and full of love to give to you.
Besharam was the sass and freedom with which we courted each other, text after text, call after call
Maaza was the lighthearded fun we had singing Bollywood songs in our own world
Jism was the carnal desire we had for each other like eating jalebis day after day
Rimjhim is that memory of us dancing in the rain only to catch a cold, and take care of each other for the next week
Masti was the possession of uncontrollable laughter when we were giggle bandits
Kanjoos makhichoos was our money mantra, always cooking while yelling at each other in the kitchen
Bhau was the trust and importance I placed in you, opening up my soul for inspection
Zabardast was what you used to describe my adulting and aunty skills
Intezaar was the patience with which I thought you would change
Zindabaad was the word I wanted to put after our names to signify our bond
Jiwan was the word I used because that’s how long I thought I had with you
Badmaash was what I used to describe her when you let her come between us
Ullu was me, introducing you to my loved ones
Chari was what I called myself for letting it get as far as it did
Kinni was how I felt: used, tainted, and forgotten
Jhootha was how I made you out to be my enemy so I could get over you
Theek Thak is what I say when a nosy aunty asks about my dating life
Bholi bhaliis how I feel when someone tries to hit on me in a bar
Unees-Beesis what I say to my dates to split the bill and dash out
Himmat is courage, bravery, and defiance with which I walked away from you
Pyaar, ishq and mohabaat are all the things I felt for you.
But my love can only be explained in these untranslatable words.
Thanks to Jasdeep Singh Arneja for the recording
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